Thursday, 30 October 2014

The Curious Case of Terrance McElroy

There is something wrong with Terry, don't you know? The elder Miss DeWitt told me. They are saying he's gone mad, lost all touch with reality. Of course, I always knew there was something wrong with him and the way he behaved at times. I found him sitting in the lobby late one night, mumbling something about why pies deserved more credit than they got, and aliens were right for not letting us in on the secrets of space travel.
I asked him if he was alright, but he told me not to worry because the universe was a mistake, anyway! I didn't know how to respond, so I left. I think that was the night he started floating around the house. We had to turn off all the fans in the middle of summer, just so he could demonstrate his denial of the existence of reality. He even refused to take off his shoes! It is pretty unnerving to see the dirt stuck on the bottom of shoes hovering above your head, ready to give in to gravity at any instant.
Yes, of course! I heard about that incident from Gregory. He would not shut up about it. Last fall, they had gone hiking, out on the Old George, and set camp about a kilometer from the top. Terry had been picking all kinds of stuff along the way- pebbles, leaves, beetles, and shoving them into a pouch. Later by the fire, Greg took the pouch from him to take a look. Inside, he saw the two of them sitting around the fire- Terry sipping soup, and he looking into the pouch. Creeped him out. Not the first time he's done this, either.
Ah, no! I didn't know about this! Are you sure? Of course you are. Not unlike him to disrupt peace. Bringing vultures to a hospital! What was he thinking? I wonder if he thinks at all. I could bet his head was hollow. I've even thought of knocking to check- more than once- but then I'd be as mad as him, and we certainly don't want that.
Yes, I remember! He had wasps in his pockets. A bunch of them, alive. Roamed freely on his hands when he took them out, what a horrible thing to do! I really don't like those evil cratures around me.
Here comes Hector! Hello! Could you tell us what happened?

Madness, I tell you- severe, acute, utter, total madness. That is what has happened. Terry has been at it again, and this time he's gone too far. I have never sought to interfere in the matters of others, but in his case- I think I should have.
I didn't say anything when he decided to chop off the one good guava tree in the yard, or when he yanked off the hose that time the Browns were shifting out- but teleporting all over the neighborhood? Putting cats in trees? Spiders in showers? Squids in pools? What does he think he is doing? Does he think this is a game?
Oh, yes- I did. I asked him when he appeared at the table- "Do you think this is a game?" He looked at me as if I was mad, and said- "Who zee do", grabbed my drink, and disappeared. I don't know what to do with him.
He doesn't believe in the existence of reality, you say? That has to be it. I think we must prove to him that we are real, and so is he, and that he can't get away with these frivolities all the time, just because he doesn't believe all this is real. I think Ralph could help. I can meet him in an hour.

He thinks I'm not real? What? Neither of us? He doesn't believe in 'reality'? What does that even mean? I know I'm real.
POP! (Terry appears) "No, you're not."
Grabs cigar out of his hand
What do you think you're doing?
POP! (Terry disappears)
What are you laughing at?

I heard he was teleporting everywhere last week? Or was it the one before last? He's been doing it the whole month?
I think I remember seeing a man disappear right in front of me near Lake Orin when I was around six. I think he looked like Terry. I think he's been doing it the whole time. I think he's been jumping around in time as well. (sigh)...
I don't know what he wants from life. He used to be such a good kid. I wonder what's gotten into him.

Ha ha! What do you mean he's messing with space-time? Like, really popping up in different places at different times? That's gotta be fun! Wait. I just realized I remember him standing outside my window, smiling. So many times! He's been messing around!
Where are you, Terry? Show me your face right now, I swear I won't punch you instantly. You could've talked to me like a sane person.
POP! (Terry's face appears) Define 'sane'. POP! (disappears)
Did that really happen? Yeah, I know. Should have punched.

Did you get the news? They found him! They found Terry! I've heard they started regretting it immediately. He was chasing the bats down in one of the caves. Said he couldn't believe the busters tried to imitate both rats and butterflies, and failed at both. He said he would rather have pandas flying around, breathing fire, than rats who tried to look like butterflies but didn't.
Yes, it's true! He told the officers they shouldn't have come so deep in, and gave them some hot pancakes and beer. What a scene! With him missing for two weeks, and the media gathered outside. That man finds a way to strike every nerve he can!
Oh, yes! They were surprised to see him calm and normal- more than he's been this whole year, in fact. He even managed to arrange a feast out of two fish and six loaves of bread. Some Vietnamese delicacy, I can't pronounce the name. I just hope they don't all get diarrhea.

Do you remember the guy they 'rescued' from the Caves? All the people he treated to fish later stopped ageing. No, really! Read the news. One driver guy from a news channel was due to retire next week, but since they figured he wasn't ageing, he has basically been enslaved. He's suing that guy for a Billion Dollars, what's his name- Terry Something. Such madness!

What a sad bunch of crybabies.